DATING IS FUN.  ENJOY IT.

The first thing to get clear is that this is NOT exclusive dating.  I know some of you are scandalized at the very thought of Christians engaged in non-exclusive dating.  I was too, when my buddy Louis first explained this to me in the way it seemed to him that the Holy Spirit had revealed it to him in prayer.

What we have to realize is that God does want us to be able to get to know the people we're attracted to.  As long as we're open to the possibility of marriage, and there's no glaring reason not to marry, and the interest is mutual, we need to have a way to pursue getting to know each other.

Diving into the intensity of formal courtship right off the bat, with someone we hardly know, is not the way.  There needs to be a way to go from just being friends, in the way we're friends with lots and lots of people, to being in an exclusive, formal, committed, and very serious courtship relationship.  I call the way dating.  You can call it beginning, introductory level, first few feeble steps of courtship, the acronym for which would be BILFFFSOC.  The principles we're discussing do not in any way depend upon some semantic argument over terms.  Call it BILFFFSOC; call it what you like.  I call it dating. 

And the reason it's not exclusive is simply that the commitment to exclusive dating is in fact a serious commitment in its own right.  It implies, or should imply, formal courtship.  We need a way to get to know each other before we start making those sorts of commitments.

We may not be dating anyone else, but we both should be open to it, while we take the time to get to know each other.  This way we will have the possibility of legitimately choosing to give ourselves to each other in an exclusive relationship later.  Let's not put inappropriate and unnecessary burdens on a fledgling romance.  It's more fun, and more effective, to chill out, lighten up, and have a good time with the marvelous mysteries of getting closer to someone new, someone special, someone who just might be the one. 

This really should be one of the most magical and delightful times two people can have together.   There is sheer grace, given from above, and a special freedom and charm in this beginning time where we simply enjoy discovering the marvels of one another.  Let's not throw all of this away by trying to get something from someone which they cannot yet validly give, and to which we have no real right at this time.

LIGHTEN UP AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!  It's okay to relish the splendor of someone to whom we are attracted.  Just remember that the ultimate source of the attraction is God.  Remember that we are being drawn to him.  Now is not the time for all of the heavy stuff. 

PRAYING TOGETHER

It's fine to pray together.  We should be praying all the time, as much as possible, interiorly.  But when we pray together, in this stage, we do so in a way that isn't too intimate.  Our prayers are simple, and short.  We try to get one in at the beginning of the date, and another one towards the end, and maybe share a scripture passage together at some point.  We include God, and our faith, in the conversation.  But at this stage it's not a good idea to be sitting in the moonlight at the end of a date passionately praying for the deepest longings of one another's hearts.  That comes later.

We really need to resist the temptation to engage in activities which tend to raise the stakes too much, too soon, activities that involve a lot of expense, or too big a commitment of time or energy or emotion, such as taking trips together or very serious events with each other's families.  We're not worrying about rigid rules here, just progressing through the stages of intimacy at a nice, leisurely pace.  This way we don't rush headlong past the stage of sharing each other's photo albums and high school annuals, and into the stage of picking out houses and names for kids. 

The critical theme here is that we must not seek the sort of physical or emotional or psychological intimacy to which we really have no right at this early stage.

Real love must be a choice based upon the truth about the person loved.  We cannot give ourselves in a meaningful way to someone if we don't really know who they are.  If we try to give ourselves prematurely, then all we're really doing is trying to manipulate someone and get something from them, not because of who they are, because of what we want.

We try to remember that the urge to share too much, too early on, is really a disguised temptation to use the other person.  We must earn the trust that is the only real key to the door of each other's hearts.  If we try to get into each other's hearts before we've had a chance to earn real trust, then we're trying to pick the lock, and something's going to get broken. 

Earning trust takes time.  There is no shortcut. 

RELAX, WE'RE NOT ENGAGED, AND WE WON'T BE ANY TIME SOON

This is no time for agonizing over whether this is the one we're called to marry.  This is no time for taking on the pressures of engagement.  What's called for is to take things lightly, be careful with each other's hearts, and celebrate the fact of finding someone special who thinks we're special too and wants to spend time with us.

Periodically, we should simply check ourselves out, pray and talk with our mentors and peers whom we trust, to find out whether this fledgling relationship seems to be leading us closer to God.

DATING FREQUENCY

So, how often should we be seeing each other in this situation?

In reality, it would probably be best at this stage if one party moved a few hundred miles away, just to help slow things down.  Otherwise, I know the runaway freight train of emotion will have us wanting to get together twice a day, and call four or five times more, not to mention email missives replete with new variations on all of Shakespeare's sonnets.  We ought to try to contain ourselves.  If we really want to have a chance to be together forever, we need to get to know each other before we put pressure on each other.  Because too much passion, too much intensity, too soon in the relationship is pressure, and it will take a toll on romance.  It will take away our freedom to just enjoy each other, while we find out the essential truth about each other.

We won't set a rule here for how often we ought to see each other, because that's just setting us up to break rules.  Still, seeing each other once every other week, and going out with someone else in between, would be a fine plan for the first couple of months.  Then, as things get more serious, there is plenty of room to build up over time to once a week, and then even more frequently. 

You probably think it's crazy to suggest that's possible, when two folks really want nothing more than to be together.  But, if instead of wanting nothing more than to be together, two people want nothing more than to be with the God of desire, anything is possible--even slowing down.

After all, what's the hurry?  It is really God that we're after, and he's not going anywhere.

A NOTE ABOUT BREAKING UP

One thing to remember here is that if the time does come to break up, it need not at all be the occasion of a life-shattering, heart-rending tragedy, at least not if the couple has been following these principles of purity. 

We're all pretty familiar with the consequences of breaking off impure relationships.  That gets awfully ugly, and often includes small appliances being thrown through the sheetrock.

But when a relationship based on purity stops being romantic, and returns to a simple brother and sister relationship, the pain is nowhere near the same.  It still hurts, but the pain is mitigated by the knowledge that we have truly helped each other grow closer to God.

One thing to bear in mind is that two people in a romantic relationship have been fulfilling certain emotional needs for each other which they can now no longer meet.  Because the two have become somewhat habituated to having these emotional needs met, it won't be easy at first to keep things on a simple, brother-sister level.  Therefore it's usually a good idea to take a temporary break from the relationship before trying to re-establish the pure, brother-sister closeness.

A friend of mine told me recently she's willing to risk more heartaches, but she doesn't want any more heartbreaks.  She's probably on to something.  And perhaps the key to it is the combination of purity, charity, and honesty in all stages of the relationship.  With this triple tag-team of virtues in place, we can break off romance without losing any of the graces which have come from a man and a woman caring about one another as they become brothers and sisters in Christ and help each other get closer to heaven.